There are many phrases for it, many of which I’ve heard recently. This leads me to believe that there a personal message about this personal growth rite of passage meant for me to notice and use in my life. “Going to the fire.” “Being on the field instead of in the stands.” ” You can’t go around it you have to go through it.”
For the most part I have prided myself on taking epic leaps in my life for the sake of personal or professional expansion. My comfort zone is much more vast than the 8-year-old me would have even imagined. Since being that scared, intimidated, self-conscious little girl, I have made it a mission to prove to myself what I’m capable of. However, in my quest for personal and professional development, I am confronted and very haunted by things from my past – stories that I have inherited, stubborn self-limiting beliefs that remain, and bitterness and resentment that resurfaces during moments of weakness. While I know, logically and consciously that these beliefs are just reoccurring stories that my brain made up and have very little truth in them, my subconscious believes them. They continually redirect my life to align with the self-limiting beliefs rather than the identity I have been striving to create for myself.
Why do I have so much to prove to myself?
It is the answer to this question that is, fundamentally, the reason I hold myself back. I’ve tried various methods of ridding myself of this belief – EFT, The Sedona Method, meditation, affirmations, declarations, incantations, etc. I still believe that all these methods have tremendous application to my life, but for this one reoccurring story, they have not done the job of ridding me of it. (This Brainathon event on Saturday looks promising, but still…)
In my practice of being present, I notice signals that are meant to prompt me into appropriate action. I do believe there is no such thing as coincidence. I believe that there is an energy that is common among all of us, that if we tune into it, all of our questions and qualms are answered. I believe that this is how we achieve a self-actualized life. The message that I have been getting loud and clear lately from various sources, including Eddie Vedder‘s interview with WMMR, a speaker that I had for a social media subgroup that I run, my intern, and various books and articles that have been passed my way in the past couple months, is this:
I need to stop avoiding the source of the story and deal with it directly.
This means potential conflict with someone that I love. That means that there’s the potential that I could, by bringing this to light, cause a rift that could impact not just my relationship with this person, but other people’s relationships as well. I’m resolved that I have done everything possible to overcome this story without assuming such a risk. It will eventually become part of my new story. But I have to resolve the old one first. I’m sure if you have read this far, you probably want to know what that story is and who I’m implicating as being the cause. I assure you – the cause is me – I created the story. I know this, and I know I can create a new story. But I have to walk through the fire. There’s no more thinking I can get around it. The story reoccurs unless I put it to rest with this individual now.
I know I make it through it. I know the other person will make it through it as well. And when I share with you my new story you will get all the juicy details of the old one. Until I have the opportunity to share the story with the individual who inspired it, she will remain anonymous.
I fully anticipate someday that I will revolutionize careering and hiring. Someday, I will by a sought-after keynote speaker and visible spokesperson for career empowerment. I know that there are many people out there who have similar or smaller dreams and are stopped by head trash. If you don’t have any trash, or even if you do, and you live an actualized life, you may see other people who are inabile to succeed up to their own standards as lazy, weak leeches who would rather be supported by the government and others’ hard work than go out and help themselves. I see that head trash is an epidemic – it is a toxin that has poisoned the minds of too many people who have amazing potential. Someday, I will tell my story and help other people take out the trash, transcend their pasts, and write new futures. So, if I’m going to “call out” this person in a very public forum someday anyway, I’d rather tell them now about the stories that I made up about them and about me.
Stay tuned and wish me luck.